Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
