My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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