first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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