I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
