just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just cut my nipple shaving
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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