just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
