Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
