im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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