I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
