took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
