I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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