All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
