Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
