Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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