I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
