WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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