Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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