I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
