halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
