I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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