the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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