Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
