I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
