first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
