What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
