god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
