I faked an abortion last night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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