My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
