I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
