Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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