Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
