I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
