I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
