Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
