Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
