My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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