The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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