Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
