i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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