nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
