i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
