She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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