Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
