two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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