She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
