theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
