New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
