My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
