Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
