Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
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You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
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I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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