he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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