Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
